Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 3)

Don’t forget to understand the lesson
        of the fool
        who tries to trade in his swan
        for an ugly ducking.
        For a wise man
        may easily disguise himself
        as a fool
        to fool
        another wise man.

Although it is unlikely that the ugly duckling
        has swallowed many precious jewels and gems
        or an ingot of gold,
        with lease-to-buy options on portable
        x-rays machines so reasonable nowadays,
        it pays to have one handy
        for exactly these type of situations,
        especially if you deal ugly ducklings in bulk.

Lacking an x-ray machine,
        but still fearing that the fool
        may indeed be a wise man,
        you could also buy an inexpensive
        one-way ticket from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh
        on Southwest
        (which will put you out only about $59 – I know. It’s crazy.)
        and run the ugly duckling through the TSA scanner
        at the airport.

If there are indeed gems, jewels or gold ingots
        inside of your ugly duckling
        you can always feign ignorance
        when asked about it by the TSA agent
        and say something like
        “So that’s why Harold hasn’t been himself lately!”

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