When you have a fire in an aircraft,
don’t just sit in one spot and wait.
Walk away.
All posts tagged proverbs
Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 16)
Posted by Tom Busillo on January 2, 2013
http://monsterbegood.com/2013/01/02/redacted-from-the-book-of-proverbs-no-16/
Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 15)
A pessimist finds himself
at the bottom of a dry well,
begins crying,
and eventually
drowns
in his own tears.
An optimist finds himself
at the bottom of a dry well,
and after noting his good fortune
at a chance to spend some
uninterrupted, quiet time
alone with himself,
decides that he can
swim out of the dry well
if he is able to cry enough tears
that would enable him
float to the top of the well
while treading water.
Ever the optimist, however,
he finds it almost impossible
to cry, as he lacks the mental reserves
of sadness and woe enjoyed by
the bloated and deceased pessimist
in the well next door,
and even when he does manage to cry
it is only for a few seconds,
as he can’t help becoming immediately
overjoyed over his ability to produce tears,
which causes him to stop crying.
Eventually, though not without
noting the additional good fortune
of how forced deprivation of food has
lead him to shed a few pounds
and thinking ahead to how happy
his doctor will be at his next checkup
now that he’s finally lost the 30 pounds
Dr. Finkleman has been
sternly recommending
for so long,
he starves to death.
An absurdist strict Freudian Millennial
at the bottom of a dry well
calls his friend on his iPhone and says
"Dude, you’ll never believe this…
but I’m calling from the bottom
of my mother’s womb!"
Posted by Tom Busillo on November 26, 2012
http://monsterbegood.com/2012/11/26/redacted-from-the-book-of-proverbs-no-15/
Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 11)
If you give a hungry man a fish,
he will eat for a day.
If you give a hungry man a gun,
he will likely aim it at you and say,
“take me to where you keep the fish.”
Posted by Tom Busillo on February 26, 2012
http://monsterbegood.com/2012/02/26/redacted-from-the-book-of-proverbs-no-11/
Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 10)
For an uber-cool community of artists and those devoted to art:
release a procession of sky lanterns lifting Damien Hirst into the night sky,
launch dove-shaped balloons as an alternative to flying doves,
or try White Smoke that has been kept safe from vandals.
To clear the dance floor of all women:
start playing Steely Dan.
My friend Hunter Boyle once said, “There’s no better way to clear a dance floor of women than to start playing Steely Dan,” so he definitely gets an assist on this one.
Posted by Tom Busillo on May 2, 2011
http://monsterbegood.com/2011/05/02/redacted-from-the-book-of-proverbs-no-10/
Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 9)
Do not think that you can judge the value of
what’s on the other hand
if your other hand is
behind your back
and so numb from frostbite
that you would not know
if you were holding a hamburger
or a ham bone.
Ask a friend who you trust
who is neither blind
nor mute
nor subject to hallucinations
to go behind you
and describe out loud
what it is that you are holding.
Only then can you make your judgment,
but before rushing to judgment,
make sure you ask them,
”Have my fingers turned black yet?”
and if he answers, “Yes, they are a bit black”
rush to the nearest ER
and take what it is you are holding with you,
and put off your judgment until
things have stabilized.
And always reserve acting upon your judgment
if acting upon your judgment
would contradict
discharge instructions.
Posted by Tom Busillo on March 3, 2011
http://monsterbegood.com/2011/03/03/redacted-from-the-book-of-proverbs-no-9/
Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 8)
The term, “Aztec,” is a startlingly imprecise term
to describe the culture
that formed between
the Allegheny and
the Monongahela rivers
in the 1970′s.
A much better term is “Steelers Country,”
although if you say “Stillers Country”
we’ll know what you mean.
Posted by Tom Busillo on February 18, 2011
http://monsterbegood.com/2011/02/18/redacted-from-the-book-of-proverbs-no-8/
Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 6)
A rich man might share shame
with the poor man,
but under no circumstances will he
share his private executive restroom
with him.
He will direct him to the bathroom in the hall
past the elevators
next to the janitor’s closet
or immediately call security –
depending on his mood.
If the poor man approaches the rich man
with a 30 gallon trash bag or tinfoil
used as an article of clothing
the rich man will definitely
call security.
His secretary will in all likelihood
get an earful as well.
Posted by Tom Busillo on January 23, 2011
http://monsterbegood.com/2011/01/23/redacted-from-the-book-of-proverbs-no-6/
Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 5)
Don’t think even a rich man
can devour misery
and it will always taste like apple butter.
Most rich men who devour misery
report that it tastes like
a slice of New York-style cheesecake
made of soap
or earwax.
Posted by Tom Busillo on December 29, 2010
http://monsterbegood.com/2010/12/29/redacted-from-the-book-of-proverbs-no-5/
Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 4)
Before you book a journey of revenge
you must always think of the duck
who took his revenge
upon the poisoned apple in the road
and never rose again.
After remembering to avoid eating random fruit found on a highway
make sure your guns are cleaned and oiled
and your silencers all fit
just like you airtight alibis.
Take three times as much ammo
as you think you’ll need
and an ample supply of wigs and fake facial hair
and changes of clothes and gloves and plastic bags.
Make sure your taser
is charged
and don’t forget to bring the charger.
Never forget to have small guns
in ankle holsters
and several knives secreted on your body.
And it probably never hurts
to have a couple of cans
of police-issued pepper spray either.
Posted by Tom Busillo on December 27, 2010
http://monsterbegood.com/2010/12/27/redacted-from-the-book-of-proverbs-no-4/
Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 3)
Don’t forget to understand the lesson
of the fool
who tries to trade in his swan
for an ugly ducking.
For a wise man
may easily disguise himself
as a fool
to fool
another wise man.
Although it is unlikely that the ugly duckling
has swallowed many precious jewels and gems
or an ingot of gold,
with lease-to-buy options on portable
x-rays machines so reasonable nowadays,
it pays to have one handy
for exactly these type of situations,
especially if you deal ugly ducklings in bulk.
Lacking an x-ray machine,
but still fearing that the fool
may indeed be a wise man,
you could also buy an inexpensive
one-way ticket from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh
on Southwest
(which will put you out only about $59 – I know. It’s crazy.)
and run the ugly duckling through the TSA scanner
at the airport.
If there are indeed gems, jewels or gold ingots
inside of your ugly duckling
you can always feign ignorance
when asked about it by the TSA agent
and say something like
”So that’s why Harold hasn’t been himself lately!”
Posted by Tom Busillo on December 26, 2010
http://monsterbegood.com/2010/12/26/redacted-from-the-book-of-proverbs-no-3/
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