Angel Baby Girl (lyrics to a song unlikely to ever be recorded)

[verse 1]
my angel baby has lasers / that shoot out of her eyes
when she raises her head / they slice up the sky
the ceiling of our world / is way too low
I try to stop them but / they burn through the pillow

[verse 2]
if there’s any one true thing / that I’ve learned
there ain’t nothing in this world / that can’t be burned
when fire touches / all things seen
and even water burns / with gasoline

[chorus]
we want to stay in dreams / where everything’s a toy
you’re my angel baby girl / and I’m your sick boy

[verse 3]
we drag ourselves to ourselves / we’re unnecessary
think of your next six breaths / they’ve now become voluntary
maybe hell is a heaven / you can’t forget
can find the pills or the switch / to shut it off yet

[chorus]
we want to stay in dreams / where everything’s a toy
you’re my angel baby girl / and I’m your sick boy
we want to stay in dreams / where everything’s a joy
you’re my angel baby girl / and I’m your sick boy

[repeat into fade out]

She Was a Crooked Comb (a song which if ever recorded would sound a lot like Crooked Fingers)

She Was a Crooked Comb


This is a very short song (unlikely to ever be recorded) whose melody and arrangement in my head has the feel of a lot of songs on the very first Crooked Fingers album – IMHO one of the best debut albums ever recorded (even though Eric Bachman did fantastic things w/ the Archers, technically, that’s a debut album) by a band that’s criminally under-appreciated and deserves a wider audience.

Didn’t See the Sea

(verse 1)

We were looking at the sky
We were looking at the sky,
We were looking at the sky,
So we died, oh my.

We didn’t see the sea,
No, we didn’t see the sea,
No, we didn’t see the sea,
So we drowned, poor me.

(bridge)

It was an inside job,
it ended violently.
We had a man inside,
But he didn’t see the sea.

(chorus, sort of)

He didn’t see the sea,
No, he didn’t see the sea,
No, he didn’t see the sea,
So we drowned poor me.

He didn’t see the sea,
No, he didn’t see the sea,
No, he didn’t see the sea,
So we drowned poor me.

( verse 2)

We were listening to a sigh
We were listening to a sigh,
We were listening to a sigh,
So we died, oh my.

We didn’t hear the sea,
No, we didn’t hear the sea,
No, we didn’t hear the sea,
So we drowned, poor me.

(bridge 2)

It was an inside job,
it ended violently.
We had a man inside,
But he didn’t hear the sea.

(2nd chorus)

He didn’t hear the sea,
No, he didn’t hear the sea,
No, he didn’t hear the sea,
So we drowned poor me.

He didn’t hear the sea,
No, he didn’t hear the sea,
No, he didn’t hear the sea,
So we drowned poor me.

(verse 3)

We could only feel the fire,
We could only feel the fire,
We could only feel the fire,
So we died, oh my.

We didn’t feel the sea
No we didn’t feel the sea.
No we didn’t feel the sea
So we drowned, poor me.

(bridge 3)

It was an inside job,
it ended violently.
We had a man inside,
But he didn’t feel the sea.

(last chorus)

He didn’t feel the sea
No, he didn’t feel the sea.
No, he didn’t feel the sea
So we drowned poor me.

He didn’t feel the sea
No, he didn’t feel the sea.
No, he didn’t feel the sea
So we drowned poor me.

Now we only feel the sea
Now we only feel the sea.
Now we only feel the sea
Now we’re drowned, poor me.

Now we only feel the sea
Now we only feel the sea.
Now we only feel the sea
Now we’re drowned, poor me.


Song lyrics to a song unlikely to ever be recorded. If it were to be recorded, I think it would sound like someone trying to sound like the Dresden Dolls / Amanda Palmer – who’s just off-the-charts brilliant…

The Night Mail Man

The night mail man don’t hold a sack,
but if he held a sack – the sack would be black.

The night mail man don’t spit up gin,
but if he spit up gin – the gin would be thin.

The night mail man
don’t write a word,
but if he wrote a word,
the word would be heard.

(ever so brief clarinet interlude)

The night mail man don’t choose his name,
but if he choose his name – his name would be blame.

The night mail man don’t grow a beard,
but if he grew a beard – the beard would be weird.

The night mail man
don’t speak a word,
but if he spoke a word,
the word would be heard.

(ever so brief clarinet interlude)

The night mail man don’t take the stairs,
but if he took the stairs – the stairs would be stares.

The night mail man don’t light a light,
but if he lit a light – the light would be bright.

The night mail man
don’t know a word,
but if he knew a word,
the word would be heard.

(brief clarinet interlude into fade)


Lyrics to another song from my “Unrecorded Songs That Would Sound Very Much Like Someone Trying to Sound Very Much Like Tom Waits if They Were Indeed Recorded” project.

Don’t Believe Stoppin’

(Verse 1)

some lonely wine
and on and on their midnight
livin’ in a don’t stop world

he took the Detroit dice
believin’ the night
goin’ to roll a manhole on and on

(Verse 2)

searching in the movie
a midnight never ends
somewhere just living in the night

a smell of payin’ strangers waiting
up and down the boulevard
fill the night believing on and on

(Chorus1)

my anything, to anywhere
small town working girl
(just one more time, anywhere)

it took emotion on that -
everybody oh! the share
(hold in, hold on)

(Verse 3)

the Streetlights People were born
Streetlight People shadows
feelin’ smile, believin’ cheap perfume

the Streetlights People can find
a hiding in a smokey train
and the room it just goes on and on

(Chorus 2)

some blues born for a city singer
and stopping she goes
(win stop, don’t stop)

they will lose train people hard
and feel some wants raised
(to goin’, to south)


The above lyrics go to a song I have in my head whose main melody and arrangement sounds a lot like a amalgamation of several Tom Waits songs on “Raindogs”.

It probably could be improved, but the lyrics came from the constraint of having to use all the words in Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’”.

San Diego Exburbs Serenade

Never felt the floor ’til I got down on my knees.
Never saw the forest ’til they burned down all the trees.
Never missed the bakery ’til they banned making bread.
Never saw things your way until I put on your head.

Never really heard your voice ’til you never called.
Never grew my hair long ’til I was already bald.
Never went all the way to empty ’til I needed gasoline.
Never bounced a check ’til I got stuck on a trampoline.

Never saw The Real World ’til my TV went black.
Never ate a salmon steak ’til I nearly died of a heart attack.
Never noticed you wore glasses until I looked up at your eye.
Never drank the Kool-Aid until my well it went dry.


After “San Diego Serenade” one of my – and I’m sure a lot of people’s – favorite Tom Waits songs.

For some reason I was thinking about it today, and this came out. I’d actually like to try recording this.

She’s My Baby (from the “Lyrics to Songs That Will Most Likely Never Be Recorded” Series)

she’s my baby (baby)
she had arms / she had legs
in her neck / she had some pegs
on her tongue / she had a mohawk
it made things fuzzy / whenever she’d talk
she had eyes / but they were wheels
she had fingers / but they were eels
she had lips / but they were worms
she had tattoos / of all of her perms

(organ solo)

she’s my baby (baby)
she had gas / she had go
instead of hair / she had a bow
instead of a nose / she had a trout
instead of eyebrows / she had clouds
she had ears / but they were hubcaps
she had feet / but they were mudflaps
she had breasts / but they were spools
she had a smile / but it was made outta Kools

(shorter organ solo)

she is my baby (yeah, yeah)
she is my baby (yeah, yeah)
she is my baby (yeah, yeah)
she is my baby (yeah, yeah)


The arrangement for this one would be right out of Elvis Costello and The Attractions circa “Get Happy”. Very active bassline a la Bruce Thomas; hammond organ mostly holding chords (maybe some staccato); clean piano with lines mimicking the bass lines; a dirty guitar much higher up in the mix; and vocals as close to Elvis Costello as I could get them. I think the arrangement I’m thinking of is closest to “I Can’t Stand Up For Falling Down.”

Then again, it could be just straight-ahead punk.

You’ll Lips I’ll Never Kiss (Lyrics to a Song That When Recorded Will Sound A Lot Like The Magnetic Fields)

Your lips I’ll never kiss
No lips to ever kiss
You have a beak
Yeah, you’re a freak
No lips to ever kiss

I want to ask a favor
There’s no way to be oblique
You see I have this tapeworm in me
And I was wondering…
If you…
Would use your beak…

Your lips I’ll never kiss
No lips to ever kiss
But a useful beak
I love you freak
No lips to ever kiss

I thank you for the favor
There’s no way to be oblique
You see I think I’ve fallen hard for
A girl whose fourteen…
Eyes are made…
Of varnished teak…

Your lips I’ll never kiss
No lips to ever kiss
So bye, bye beak
There’s a new freak
Your lips I’ll never kiss


Stephin Merrit is one of my all-time favorite song-writers, and I’m very glad that his songs are much better than the above.

I’ve Been (working title) – songs unlikely to ever be recorded

I’ve been down under
the sun
getting seared
to a lobster red

I’ve been upon
the moon
skip tracing fugitives
for Russian Ted

and don’t do me
like they did Tattoo
(when they though he was a love god!)
don’t carry me around your fantasy island
in a cage made of bamboo
if you do
I’ll come back to haunt you
expose you
just when they start to flaunt you

I’ve been around
the bends
surfacing slowly
leading with my head

I’ve been through
with glue
for 24 years now
since my source in hardware turned up dead

and if I should overdose like Uma Thurman
snorting a bag of heroin I mistake for cocaine
don’t take me in a panic to Eric Stolz thinking it
will only take a needle of adrenalin to the heart
to revive me
because I hate needles
and I think he just got real lucky
yeah, I think he got really, really lucky

I’ve been above
the law
watching bags of powders
get lost and sold

I’ve been before
your door
my knees asleep
filled with gold
like a praying saint mold
filled with gold
like a praying saint mold
filled with gold
like a praying saint mold

All We Have Left is the Wall (song lyrics for a song unlikely to be recorded)

walking like a stalagmite
planted and tall

making bats sounds that get
lost in the squall

we’re all through with the slow steps
we’ve made our dragging footprints

now all we have left is the wall

boosting like a booster
with no boost left

wishing that the fuses weren’t
all lost to petty theft

we can toss that the riding crop
that’s not how we’ll ever reach the top

with a horse we rode to dead, now foaming slop.

our thrusters are useless
our boosters are bootless

and I see you’ve ripped your favorite dress
making bandages for the wounded
who are woundless

I have to think
I think we’ll get there
soon
sooner or less

walking like a stalagmite
planted and tall

waking bats sounds that get
lost in the squall

we’ve all through with the slow steps
we’ve made our dragging footprints

now all we have left is the wall.

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