Here we go.

Got your game on?
Got your war on?
Got your hard on?

Wolf Blitzer’s got his war on hard on
It’s unlikely you’ll see it on TV any more
as the producers at CNN have become
quite adept at knowing when to shoot him
from the waist up, but you can see it in his eyes
that mix of bloodlust and embarrassment
that he has pitched a tent in response to
the thrill of reporting on the bombers bombing
the bunkers busting, the jets strafing
the mangled armour smoking.

There are times when they cut back to him
from a report with some very tasty footage –
Tomahawk missiles in all flash and smoke,
tracers captured in that sick night vision green
lighting up like fireworks in reverse,
or the video feed from a laser guided missile –
and you can tell by a very slight, slight, slight something
that you are looking at a man
who has just spontaneously
ejaculated into his suit pants.

Unnamed sources from the Situation Room
are reporting that at first they used to
just keep a change of suit pants
handy on the set and
clean and change him between commercials.

But it was Judy, a production intern from Syracuse University,
who moonlights as a stripper at Atlanta’s Gold Club
and has firsthand experience of the fallout from lap dances,
who first had the idea to simply put a rubber on him
to deal with Wolf’s moments of warrational exuberance,
whip it off and replace it with a new one during commercial breaks.

So far it’s working.
Wolf looks happier.
The producers are happier.
The wardrobe folks are definitely happier.
And the staff from No.1 Cleaners
near the CNN center in Atlanta are definitely the happiest.

And as for Judy,
isn’t it obvious that she has a very bright future
in the cable news industry?

This just in:
Sources from the FoxNews Center in Nutwingville report
they do not have this problem on their sets during war reporting
as the anchors simply give each other handjobs under the
(sort of) news desk.

The above is clearly satire, but IMHO there is something a little weird about Wolf Blitzer when he’s got his war on.