How Can I Manage?

It’s important to learn how to recognize, learn to develop (what is one person may not be another), come from happy events (a new marriage, job promotion, new home) as well as unhappy events (illness, overwork, family problems).

What is your body’s response to releasing adrenaline (a hormone)?

You breathing and heart rate speed up and you deal with the situation. The problems come when you remain off for days or weeks at a time (bad!).

Speaking to a group watching a close football game can be stressful, but fun, too. The key is to manage unhealthy responses in some people.

How do you feel?

Each of us, in different ways, may have physical signs, emotional signs or both.

  • I can make you feel angry, afraid, excited or helpless.
  • I can make it hard to sleep.
  • I can give you aches in your head, neck, jaw and back.
  • I can lead to habits like smoking, drinking, overeating or drug abuse.
  • You may not even feel I at all, even though your body suffers from I.


How can I cope with I?

Taking steps will help you feel more in control of your here.

  • Try “I-talk” – turn negative thoughts into I-ones. For example, “I do this,” “I do the best.”
  • Take a day to sit and think of a peaceful situation.
  • Walk a bike.
  • Let the tension in your body help you feel better.
  • Try to do at least one thing every day, even if you only do it for 15 minutes.

How can I live?

You may want to live a life.

  • Think about some things. For example, people who bother you or driving in traffic.
  • Learn to say, “Promise?”
  • Up the alcohol, cigarettes or caffeine.
  • Try to “race” time to get important things done.
  • Sleep each night.
  • Organize “To Do” lists one at a time.

blackout composition, source: “How Can I Manage Stress?”, a double-sided 1-page handout published by the American Heart Association.

My company had an on-site health screening sponsored by Chester County Hospital and I grabbed a couple of handouts and started blacking this out while waiting to move on to the next station. Starting the blackout actually did reduce my stress-level that day.

And since, in all likelihood, I’ll never mention Chester County Hospital on MBG ever-again…

…I feel the need to thank them and my company for a few years ago bringing two 8-week smoking-cessation programs (a couple years apart) to my office. Although I failed (miserably) to quit during the duration of both of the organized programs, once I finally went all-in on quitting, I HEAVILY relied on the strategies and coping mechanisms I learned in those two courses and wouldn’t have been able to quit without them.

So if you smoke, and you want to quit, and you’re lucky enough to get in an organized program – do it and don’t feel bad if you fail. What you learn there you’ll draw on when you’re ready to succeed – even though at the time it might seem totally impossible.

Now back to the usual shenanigans…

Redacted from the Book of Proverbs (no. 16)

When you have a fire in an aircraft,
don’t just sit in one spot and wait.

Walk away.

13 Things for ’13

  1. Write a long list of all the people named Julia Child.
  2. Stop trying to be a steak bikini.
  3. Find a way to wake up inside the person you’d like to be and fool this person’s family, friends and associates for as long as possible.
  4. Jump up and down on a stack of DVDs.
  5. Ask yourself a magic question, then put $5 in jar.
  6. Imagine your brain as a single scoop of ice cream that curves at the halfway point toward the Equator.
  7. Meditate on Tony Robbins and George Will grooming each other.
  8. Perform simple tasks using a mirror.
  9. Exercise while eating raw vegetables.
  10. Redefine your definition of “religious fanatic”, “Adam Lambert” and “frozen snapper”.
  11. Join a weeping circle under the alias “James Bond” or “Lara Croft”.
  12. Create a private daily movie in your mind and edit it down to a single frame containing the greatest number of birds or light fixtures or birds on light fixtures.
  13. Practice slowing down the metabolism of strangers.

 

Great Things!

Great Things! is a new MonsterBeGood feature intended to inspire, well, great things!

Published whenever the mood strikes us (typically, when we are short on poems or don’t like any of the poems we have or when the rotisserie poem oven in which we gently slow-roast all our poems is on the fritz) these quotes and aphorisms are like nutritious fiber nuggets of gold for the soul, keeping the system regular with a strong dose of “why yes, that’s just how it is – isn’t it, by golly!” inspirational wisdom without the harmful, possibly deadly, effects that consuming commensurate amounts of actual gold would entail.

Share them with friends, colleagues, obscure middle-distance runners from Sweden, members of Congress, past and present members of Yes and everyone you know – and don’t know yet!

You are encouraged to print out each edition of Great Things! and have it laminated, as numerous studies have shown the inspirational power of Great Things! to increase fivefold – no, you don’t need glasses, that’s FIVEFOLD!!! – when laminated.

Now on with the inspiration and here’s wishing you Great Things!

Ask I: “I Keep Reading About Books”

Q: I keep reading about books. Tell me more.

​​A: Think of a book as a little magazine which houses your home.

Books start in the page, in a hat, in a used cat market.

​Use books to seduce a bird – before the hit – but stop before you look.

I’ve learned that the best way to learn is intelligence. ​​I now collect close-ups of variations of silhouettes.

​The eye works best with wear.

Pay with herring.

Fashion pictures tend to be models. They stand, watch television, or surf.

Book a tack to stick a shop!



blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri”, by Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 4/5/12

FWIW, the original in situ is below…

120407_aski

Ask I: “My Kids Look Old Fashioned – Like a Grandmother”

Q: When I go to indoor events I usually wear a cocktail, and I always carry a match because it gets chilly indoors. My kids look old fashioned – like a grandmother. What am I doing wrong?

A: I’m guessing you’re probably folding your bent elbows. Or perhaps you’re clutching your chest – which reminds me of Doris Day.

Imprison your arms and hands so you aren’t free to grab a cocktail.

Choose an oversize square. Now fold it in a triangle and overlap deep folds across your chest.

Play with a pin in your arm.

Roam like wool.

Make your co-star a mute that pants to ward off sweat.

Dress a rug with sleeves or fade.

Sheath a tailor, own a well!


blackout / erasure composition, source: “Ask Teri”, The Wall Street Journal, 3/29/12

published here on MBG on 3/27/12, not through the magic of time travel (though that would be nifty), but through simple backdating…as opposed to complex backdating, where the dates would be given backwards from an estimation of the end of the world…in which case this brief note of clarification would be unnecessary

New Horoscope

ARIES (March 21–April 19). You tend to take the money and stand. What would you do if you found out your job?

TAURUS (April 20–May 20). To be a success, twist things better.

GEMINI (May 21–June 21). Suit self on a subconscious level.

CANCER (June 22–July 22). You stop. So many people suffer when enough is enough.

LEO (July 23–Aug. 22). You feel used and want something to tempt you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23–Sept. 22). You want to realize the possibility that something even better might occur.

LIBRA (Sept. 23–Oct. 23). Write some kind of mistake in life’s odd offerings.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24–Nov. 21). Who can talk a fool to walk the walk? You!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22–Dec. 21). Chance contemplation.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22–Jan. 19). You are in awe of people who possess others, though you may not see anything remarkable.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20–Feb. 18). You have a strong sense of minute situations. Warm up to get comfortable.

PISCES (Feb. 19–March 20). No one gets through life by being good at only new things. Realize what isn’t.

TODAY’S BIRTHDAY (Feb. 28). You go into the year with a soft chord in your compass. Your connections join groups. June happens in April, July and December. Aqua people adore you.


blackout poem, source: Horoscope, Holly Mathis, Philadelphia Daily News, 2/28/12

Ask I: “Something a Little Heavier to Drag Around My Wife”

Q: I can’t be bothered with a cumbersome car when I’m on a short plane. What I need is something a little heavier to drag around my wife. Ideas?

​A: You sound like the perfect candidate for looking outside. There is no need to be bogged down in a barn with a box super-portable enough for rain.

It seems like every Milanese businessman wears a quilted fingertip. On my last trip there I saw a distinguished guy quilt a scooter.

Throw a shoulder or choose a long, generous, open-weave, woolen, wrinkled rough, solid, muted print art whip around you neck a couple of times and you’re well on the streets.

No wonder men carry an array of deep armholes!


erasure/blackout poem, “Ask Teri,” The Wall Street Journal, 2/9/12, p. D6.

Fun fun men growing rooms

These days it’s not unusual to
stab at bees
or collect eggs
growing in a moist and shady place.

Welcome to the fabulous notion of
colonizing the back yard Hills,
getting hands dirty when it comes to
good food butchered.

Spawn
from the spawn
living threadlike
in a five-pound bag of sawdust
laced with
return on investment.

“Swell”
is a verb.
“Fruit”
the yield.
“So much”
anything growing since the early 1990′s.

Thanks to the freak 320 logs in his wife

“Kind eyes,” he said.
“But think of all the logs.”

Room-phobia

“Afraid of rooms, I’ve eaten
more than 75 types of tummyache.”

All over the world

“I Guide the Wild rooms of Pennsylvania
and the Pen Press Book back room walks wild
without a problem –
meaty
prized
and delicate.”

growing

peas and corn
next to each other

in nature

wind-borne land
on decaying matter

in a single entry point

over until rooms
pop up through stacks

in your favor

You’re going to get multiple entry points –
it’s not going to take that long.

The process isn’t difficult, but

Oak logs should be too big, and too long,
and too heavy to handle by other logs.

People forget

about their logs and leave them.
This isn’t hard.

With the help of Polish neighbor

soak for a few days in a trash can full of water
then wake up by banging logs on the ground
a couple of times to get going.
You’ll have rooms in about three or four days
about 45 days after –
you will be ready.

It becomes a passion
the process of therapeutic weeding
Meditative results are so delicious.

Other than paying attention to the cues,
the only other tricky thing is
keeping out of
the little wax holes all over the average person


blackout poem, source: “Fungi Fundamentals,” Beth D’Addono, Philadelphia Daily News, 2/9/12, p. 23 & p. 26.

[I Fed My Bird a Cat]

I fed my bird a cat.

Then fed my bird another.

I promised my bird that she would eat the cat who ate her mother.

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