- I am an elite British Commando.
- I don’t use the special powder, but if I wanted to use the special powder I could.
- There is nothing missing from me – I am complete.
- Nothing bad has ever happened to me that would cause ongoing thought disturbances.
- If there were a point system for being a normal person, I would set the record.
- My greetings are friendly and charming.
- I give gifts appropriate for the occasion and the recipient’s place in my life.
- I can disappear and reappear at will.
- I control my own atmosphere.
- If I touch a home, it is protected from future storms.
- My breath is clear and free from flying insects.
- I can use a farm tractor appropriately and for the right reasons.
- My body is my spaceship and my spaceship cannot be defeated in a fight.
- There’s nothing incongruous about me.
- There are not a host of strangers living inside of me – there is only me.
- There are no unnecessary wires or chemicals in my body.
- All of my body’s chemicals are secreted in the appropriate amounts.
- All of my wires are free from rust and securely connected.
- I can immediately determine the difference between an actual person and a replica.
- I am one of those amazing people who can do anything.
- No one forces me to move my limbs in an awkward manner.
- When my limbs move, it is because I have chosen to move them.
- I can affect the outcome of a roulette wheel through imperceptible vibrations in my sinus cavities.
- I could find my real parents if I wanted to.
- The perfection I have achieved in my physical form is not temporary – it is eternal.
- I do not need a second chance to make a first impression.
- If I wanted to I could win every lottery.
- I am an elite skater.
- I am an expert marksman.
- I can lift heavy bags of groceries and walk up stairs without difficulty.
- I have no difficulty lifting objects over 20 lbs.
- I have no difficulty breathing.
- My bicycle is well-oiled and the gears shift smoothly.
- No one will ever find my secret place.
- Many famous people are eager to play cameos in my life.
- Wherever I sit, there is ample legroom.
- There is no phallic significance to me eating a banana as if it were an ice cream cone.
- I have achieved a significant place in history of my time and all historical epochs.
- I can enter a room and tell if the wrong people are in it.
- I am not wracked by guilt.
- I am not paralyzed in any way.
- I am not an unnecessary byproduct of misspent passion.
- I decide what will be redacted from the contemporary narrative.
- I decide what will be inserted into my mouth and when.
- I am the final element, without overtones.
- My eyes reflect the true depictions of the surrounding world.
- I am both part of the story and the writer of the story.
- I can appraise horses from all periods of the Americas.
- There is no reason to keep me behind bars.
- I know every moment is a chance to do the right thing or change what the right thing is.
- I am the driver and the car and the passenger and the road, the red light and the green light; there is no yellow light.
- When I want to fly, I fly; when I want to sit, a chair appears.
- My attention to personal affairs can never be described as “grossly inadequate”.
- My perspiration functions as a pleasantly scented, deep-pore cleanser.
- I can improve my blood flow without swallowing a capsule.
- My body maximizes the use of all nutrients and effortlessly flushes itself of toxins.
- I achieve optimum brain and body health without reliance on the whims of corrupt natural food elites.
- I am immune to the effects of electricity, no matter how high the voltage.
- I am able to draw the borders of all regions accurately and with precision.
- I am never at the mercy of unseen forces.
- There are no mice in my car’s heating system.
- I am a master of exotic martial arts.
- I can read the psychic aura of dangerous criminals and swiftly serve them justice.
- I do not need to see someone’s face to know who is talking.
- I never get the feeling I have fallen into a black hole and cannot get out.
- All four of my eyes are always open.
- My palette of readily available emotions is rich and deep.
- I am not made of plastic.
- I do not require road flares to become aware of roadside breakdowns.
- There is no flaking off of masonry inside of me.
- I am immune from the consequences of water absorption and freezing.
- I am not afraid of being trapped inside a confined space with a dwindling amount of oxygen – this is the type of situation in which I thrive.
- I can climb inside the rain and become its essence or allow it to simply bead off my skin.
- I have no valley; I have no plateaus; I only have peaks.
- I am capable of crafting untanned, irregular pieces of bloody cowhide into pleasing shapes.
- If a food item contains peanuts or was manufactured on equipment also used to process peanuts, I will know it.
- I am not allergic to peanuts.
- I give no useful answers under interrogation.
- I am not duped by camouflage.
- I have created a second brain, a duplicate brain within my real brain, and it is this second brain that the thought invaders enter.
- When I choose to walk through life as if through a one-way observation window, I cannot be seen.
- I do not need to strike while the iron is hot – I control metal in all its states.
- I am not susceptible to disempowering messages from a broken toaster.
- I have silenced all negative internal dialogues.
- I transform disempowering feelings or behaviors into winter jackets that can be given to those in need of winter jackets.
- I can operate in subliminal, semi-subliminal and overt mode.
- I am what all is about.
- There is no “good way” or “bad way” – there is only my way.
- I can sleep away from home comfortably on my right side, on my left side, on my back, or on my stomach – however it needs to be.
- My body’s internal thermostat regulates temperature and, therefore, I do not overheat.
- I excel at carnival games involving feats of strength or ionizing water.
- I will not die sitting down or laying on my back; like King Richard III, I will die standing on my own two feet, cut down by various medieval weapons.
- If I were a deep ocean trench, I would be the deepest ocean trench there ever was.
- Foreign daredevils repeat routine aspects of my daily life and call them “stunts.”
- I have the ability to gather and mobilize yaks in an emergency situation.
- The constant sensation I am riding upwards on a slow-moving elevator is merely me getting smarter.
- My lactose intolerance is not a weakness; it is an asset that allows me insight into the suffering of lesser mortals.
- The people who are always looking at me and thinking, “He must have a direct path to God” are 100% correct.
- If God has chosen to make our clandestine means of communication known to others as Revealed Truth, then I must accept it as His Will.
- When they think they have found me, I will already be gone.
All posts in category Satire
100 Affirmations for Positive, Powerful, Proven Self-Improvement (That in Some Cases Will Also Help You Shred Fat, Become Absolutely Ripped, And Attract Wealth As If You Were a Wealth Magnet)
Posted by Tom Busillo on January 27, 2013
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Posted by Tom Busillo on September 8, 2012
Get Fit Lifting Levers™ is The Total Total-Fit System™ for The Total Tailor™ expected to create Tuxedos From Whole Cloth™ that will not rip at the sleeves when the wearer, in emergencies running the gamut from extreme to minor, must lift one or Both Arms™ over his or her head to lift a lever, or multiple levers in precise combinations of positions and/or sequences, in order to save panicking innocents from possible, likely, or certain doom.
Get Fit Lifting Levers™ is a trademark of The Total Tailor™, LLP, a Limited Liability Partnership doing business as Total Tailor Enterprises™ in the state of Nevada and Tiny Mormon Tailor Enterprises™ in some parts of Utah.
Get Fit Lifting Levers™ is not associated with Get-Fit Liftin’ Levers™, a series of quality, durable and reliable replacement levers coming in a variety of colors, textures, grip sizes, and lever lengths for use in the Get-Fit Liftin’ Levers™ Fitness System® – a wall-mounted isometric weight-loss and muscle-building system utilizing the revolutionary Dual-Directional Push-and/or-Pull™ Lever-Lifting Lifting System® originated in the Republic of Vietnam and marketed in the United States by DynoDyneD Enterprises (3DE).
Get Fit Lifting Levers™ is not affiliated with Get-Fit Lofting Loaves™, a series of adjustable-weight loaves of stale organic white, whole wheat, rye, and multigrain bread for use in the Super-Strong Baker’s Apprentice™ series of shot-putt training DVDs in any manner except their 50/50 partnership in Get-Fit Leaving Lifts™ an overseas British joint venture which owns a non-voting minority stake in Fit Lifts, UK® a London-based network of elevator-based membership fitness clubs.
Posted by Tom Busillo on August 31, 2012
Transcript of William Carlos Williams Reading “The Red Wheelbarrow” on American Idol and Judges Comments
WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS
So much depends upon a red wheel barrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens.
[Audience cheers wildly. Ryan Seacrest meets William Carlos Williams at center stage]
Very nice, Dr. Williams. [pats his shoulder] Let’s see what the judges have to say. Randy?
[shaking head] Dog. Dog. Dog. Okay. Okay. Okay. Check it out. Check it out. Now at the start when you come out with “so much depends,” I’m thinking, I don’t know about this – it’s sounding a little preachy. Right, right? [audience boos] Let me finish. Let me finish. [holds up hand] But. BUT – then you just kicked it. [audience cheers] You totally kicked it with the red wheelbarrow, the rain water, the chickens – and I got it. I saw exactly where you were going with it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Big fan, dog. Big fan.
[enthusiastic cheers and applause]
Oh. Oh. Oh. What can I say? You truly are a poet. You really are. You moved me. You really did. You moved me. [audience cheers] And it is so, so true – so much does depend upon the red wheelbarrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens. It really does. It really, really does.
[enthusiastic cheers and applause]
You nailed it, dude. You nailed it. [audience cheers] The red wheelbarrow. The rain water. The chickens. It was all right there. Like Jennifer said, you’re a poet, dude. You’re a poet.
[enthusiastic cheers and applause]
[places hand on William Carlos Williams’ shoulder] If you want to vote for William Carlos Williams, the phone number is 1-866-IDOLS-03, that’s 866-436-5703 [William Carlos Williams holds up three fingers to camera] or Text “Vote” to 5703 when the voting lines open immediately after the show. When we come back, Gregory Corso drives a car.
[wild cheering and applause. shot of Gregory Corso gently rocking an imaginary steering wheel back and forth with hands in 10-2 position. American Idol theme music with fade to commercial]
Posted by Tom Busillo on April 4, 2012
Our primitive ancestors knew the value of soil and respected the soil.
Yet, as the story of humanity has left its footprints upon history, soil has been trampled underfoot, becoming a mere footnote in the long march when it is fact its very foundation.
Here are the facts on the ground: We may not be made of the soil, but soil has made us.
It is safe to say that we would not be standing (or sitting or lying or crouching) here today without soil; we would be still be some type of fish, as without soil there is no shore upon which our super-primitive ancestors (i.e. those even more primitive than our primitive ancestors who knew the value of soil and respected it) could have place a tentative tentacle, fin, antennae, etc. and quickly perished, somehow beginning the great evolutionary process that has resulted in proposals of exactly this kind.
No. Soil has become a dirty word. Your good name has been soiled. Your reputation has been soiled. You’ve soiled your pants, your diapers, your dress, your futon, your rug, the reputations of those previously believed to be virgins, etc.
Even when taken as a signifier (“soil”) of a material object (“[soil]“), “soil” immediately takes us to one of two bad places – either we are worms endlessly burrowing through the soil only to have the soil pass through us (please see T.F. Burns, “The Soil Traveler”) or we bodies that are entombed within the soil (please see “The Obituaries”). In rare cases, we can imagine ourselves as both (please see K.F. von Braunstein’s, “On The Dead Worm Which Eats Through Its Own Corpse”).
Farmers appreciate the soil, but many have bought the farm – driven off their land by foreclosures and the rapaciousness of multinational agribusiness conglomerates, which despite their vast amounts of capital have yet to produce a self-cleaning head of lettuce or a self-dicing tomato. And besides, farmers are not our intended audience – as they are far too busy doing the hard work of farming to frequent the Tate in meaningful numbers.
”Soil Room” is an interactive installation which attempts to start both a discursive and recursive dialogue (ideal mix: 3 parts discursivity for every 2 parts of recursivity, with a bitter lemon rubbed in sweet bitters) on our concepts of the “soil” by boldly challenging visitors to re-envision “soilness” by navigating (in this case, physically navigating) a recontextualization of the soil into a decontextualized environment itself contextualized by its surroundings.
Proposal for Installation – The Basics
The Tate will give over to me a gallery room approximately 100′x100′ with a ceiling height no less than 25 hands or 25 feet (whichever is larger).
I, with the help of a team of experienced landscapers, will cover the entire surface of the room – floor, walls and ceiling – with a 6″ coating of soil.
Visitors will enter the installation via a 50′ long rounded stone chamber resembling the sides of a stone well. The Tate will be responsible for furnishing this entrance, as I do not do stonework.
The installation will be unlit, so visitors can experience the soil in complete darkness.
Prohibition Against the Sale or Rental of or Provision of Illumination Devices Including Torches and Flashlights
The Tate is hereby prohibited from selling, renting or providing its visitors any illumination devices for use in “Soil Room.” However, if visitors choose to hold aloft any lighters or flashlights they are carrying, this is fine, although in theory, if there were no legal matters to consider, those using illumination devices would be eaten by predators.
Maximum Number of Visitors at Any One Time
There will be no limit on the number of persons allowed to enter the exhibit at any one time (Fire codes are for bureaucrats and Cassandras!).
Duration of Installation Exhibit
The exhibit will run for one year, allowing “Soil Room” to experience all four seasons. If the show would naturally end in a winter, but the Groundhog has seen his shadow, the exhibit will be extended another 6 weeks.
Temperature of “Soil Room”
During the summer season the room is to be cooled to 50 degrees Fahrenheit (I’m an American. I don’t do the Celsius thing. I’m sure you can figure it out.) and during the winter season heated to 70 degrees. During the Fall and Spring the temperature will be whatever the midpoint is between 50 degrees Fahrenheit and 70 degrees Fahrenheit (I’m an installation artist. Simple math is beneath me.)
Synergistic Possibilities for Future Exhibitions Based on “Soil Room”
Future Video Installation – “Humans Moving Through Soil”
For a 3-hour period during a random Saturday of each of the four seasons, every visitor entering “Soil Room” will be required to wear a special jumpsuit, along with shoes, a helmet and special gloves (4 fingers mandatory – no mittens!) the effect of which is to cover all surface skin. Video cameras inserted into various places will recorded the motions of visitors wearing their special suits (whether the film will pick up body heat, infrared waves or radiation waves is still TBD). Edited portions of these videos will form a new video installation entitled “Humans Moving Through Soil.” Unedited video will form the 12-hour long “exclusive director’s cut” version.
[Ammendment to the preceding paragraph: I have consulted with several experts and now understand that filming the video in infrared will not require special suits, therefore...no, on second thought, have them wear the suits anyway.]
[Ammendment to the preceding ammendment: Please ignore the preceding ammendment].
Future Found Sculpture Exhibit – “Things Left on the Soil”
At the end of each day, Tate Museum curatorial personnel – with the assistance of janitorial personnel – will curate the room of any objects left by visitors. These will be further curated into an exhibit showcasing items left behind. Vsitors who identify objects lost while in “Soil Room” will have the option of recovering them by paying the ransom.
Synergistic and Crassly Commercial Possibilities
The Tate gift museum is encouraged to exploit all available profitable synergistic product off-shoots as the artist believes this will help to further raise “soil consciousness.” The following are merely examples of the possibilities:
The “Soil Room” Dollhouse – a cube with one open face and the rest of all surfaces covered in soil. Sold in the following sizes: Starter, First Promotion, McMansion, Empty Nest, Empty NestEgg (alternatively titled the “Bernie Did What?”).
Soil – Soil will be sold in the following sizes: Large bucket, Grande Bucket, Tall bucket. Also sold in 20lb., 50lb. and 100lb. bags.
Soil Room T-shirt (standard) – This will be a mass reproduction of a t-shirt worn by the artist as he rolled around in freshly landscaped flower bed.
Soil Room T-shirt (worn by artist) – This will be a t-shirt worn by the artist as he rolled around in freshly landscaped flower bed. Authenticated with artist’s initials hand-cleaned using an instant stain-remover pen.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I want to start by saying thank you – thank you for your time. I appreciate it tremendously and I will therefore keep my closing statement mercifully short. Two simple words – not guilty. Why? Two simple words and an acronym – the DNA test. Thank you. That’s all your honor.
Artist’s Closing Statement
I really can’t say it any better than what you just heard from my attorney, Mr. Hobson. But, here’s hoping to see you hopping and bopping in “Soil Room” soon!
Posted by Tom Busillo on March 17, 2012
How do you raise a child in a today’s culture? Who makes the most accurate production hunting rifle?
Is proper child rearing a lost cause? And where do you turn when even good hunting rifles no longer meet your standards?
We all want to raise children who will grow into good adults – possessing great marksmanship and wind-reading skills, along with a superbly accurate rifle. However, nature and nurture are in a never ending battle to claim the disposition of a child and decide whether or not she will have in-depth knowledge of ballistics.
Most parents want their children to be kind and caring and to have an inner standard of goodness that can guide them through the typical trajectory graph for a M4 carbine and M16A2 rifle. This kindness of spirit entails a child’s desire to do good actions, avoid bad, and share hunting rifles in the fashion of Soviet Red Army soldiers in WW2.
Your children will grow up to be kinder and more considerate of others if you teach them which manufacturing company makes the most accurate bolt-action centerfire hunting rifle. Plus, when children are polite, kind and honest, they develop a good shot with an accurate K98k and can make hits out to scoped rifle range very easily.
The most important rule for you to embrace and integrate into your parenting practices is this: the rifle you need is a big bore, not a giant bore, hunting rifle, and if you get the right one you can take down almost anything.
Life won’t always gift your child with exactly his heart’s desire, but there are ways you can make sure that, underneath it all, he learns to appreciate that the key to shooting a gun accurately is having the knowledge of how to adjust the gun’s sights. It doesn’t take a village to raise a child or make minor adjustments to your rifle – start by putting your hand on the muzzle and try moving the barrelled action in the stock.
If you are looking for ways to raise a compassionate, respectful and motivated child, you must expose him or her early on to a wide variety of shooting techniques, training methods, and tactical disciplines. Every day is filled with opportunities for your child to learn how to fire the new Vintage Sniper Rifle.
It’s also vital to teach your child the importance of tolerance and that generally speaking, there are two types of guns: handguns and long guns. The important skills that teach kids to resolve conflicts include building confidence in their rifle’s accuracy, their reloading and their ranging, constant practice, and organized competition. Your children need to know how to react to difficult situations and that a high-capacity magazine is easy to control when shooting fast.
In a competitive culture, a child is told that it isn’t enough to be good – she must build a custom rifle requiring detailed knowledge about gunsmithing processes. And yet, if she has to do things perfectly, she’ll never take the risks necessary to discover and develop an adjustable hop-up system that allows airgunners to enjoy a consistent and accurate shooting experience. Some children absorb the wrong lessons and never learn to accept responsibility or to produce a weapon designed for rapid and accurate fire.
On the other hand, kids who feel good about themselves seem to have an easier time handling conflicts and the Blaser R93 – the preeminent hunting rifle made in Germany today. If a child feels good about who she is and what she has to say – if she’s comfortable in her own skin – she’ll be more likely to choose accurate general-purpose hunting and plinking pellets that shoot well in Stoeger X20S Suppressor air rifles. And self-confidence puts a child at an advantage in the classroom because she’s comfortable commanding the teacher’s attention and raising her hand if she knows the crosshairs will shift after shooting.
A child with precocious reading and language skills automatically knows heavy rifles are easier to hold steady, and they’re more accurate when stand hunting or shooting long range. But even the best kids generate a little chaos and disorganization, and don’t always make clean kills when hunting with a .177.
In summary, raising good kids is hard work – there are no short cuts. We all need to have good targets and a hunting rifle that shoots flat, is accurate, and has light recoil. We all need to possess the knowledge and ability to make accurate rifle scope adjustments from a prone position. And simply put, it is one of those essential facts of life that raising children of character demands knowing how to load 90gr Nosler Ballistic tips for deer hunting.
Yes, raising an child is a long journey, but parents have many options and places to turn for help if their hollow stock makes too much noise when hunting elk.
Remember – proper parenting can make a difference. Other people may get different results with their guns.
Posted by Tom Busillo on October 23, 2011
From Bland to The Bollingen Prize: 5 Ways to Make Your Poetry Stand Out in a Crowd Without Using a Flame-Accelerant
If you write a poem, there’s no one else more passionate about seeing it succeed than you. That’s why you’re the ideal person to do the work of actually writing it.
But it’s not easy, is it? What can you do to craft your poems so they’re unforgettable? How can you make your poem the first one that comes to mind when someone fitting the demographic profile of your target reader is thinking of a poem?
The route to memorability is not paved with bland poetry efforts, that’s for sure. Nor is it paved with bright, multi-colored asphalt featuring extra large cave drawings of elk or bison in nicely contrasting colors. This does not create memorability – this creates traffic jams!
Here’s how to create an unforgettable poem for your readers. Follow these five steps, and you’ll be on your way from bland to The Bollingen Prize, and if not The Bollingen Prize, then at least an unforgettable outlier outside a Bollinger band.
Target Targets Fearlessly
In order to craft memorable words and images that will resonate with the people you want to reach, you have to know who they are. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?
The problem with this simple statement is that most poets are not clairvoyant, and those who are clairvoyant (such as Hannah Weiner) have only limited clairvoyance – totally inadequate for placing consistent winning bets on greyhound races or compiling detailed demographic information of a target readership group. Most poets also lack access to the type of technology, databases, and other high-tech gizmos used by the FBI in procedural crime dramas or televised serials focused on counter-terrorism efforts.
And yet, poets don’t want to give up a single potential reader – as there are so few to begin with! So they cast a wide net with their poems, which when thrown into the ocean dissolve into tiny bits of floating matter enticing to fish – but harmful to some species.
They try to target a broad range of ages; genders; reading levels; comprehension levels; apprehension levels; familiarities with deciduous or perennial vegetation; comfort-levels with parachuting, bungee-jumping or other extreme sports; and knowledge of good geographic areas to dump a body.
If you market a poetry product with a massive potential market, that’s a great approach. But I’m willing to bet money that Billy Collins isn’t reading this blog.
This blog is for poets with small (and getting smaller) readerships, who are creating poetry products that will solve the poetry problems (“I’m so hungry! Give me poem!”) of a specific group of very special people looking for extra special poems (pickles optional).
Think about who those people are, and don’t be afraid to focus on them to the exclusion of other potential readers, your immediate or extended family, friends, squirrels, wookies, giraffes, talking yardsticks and members of law enforcement.
Your syntactical, structural, metrical, lingual and pottie-break strategies will become tightly focused, and – more importantly – your potential readers will know your poem is perfect for them, even without having to place a sticker over top reading “This is poem is just perfect for you – you know who your are.”
Listen to Popular Opinion and Then Listen Again to Make Sure It’s Not Really Saying “Please Smother My Oxen in Cream Cheese”
Once you know who you’re trying to reach, it’s time to listen to what they want. Your poem won’t work if you forge ahead with your vision, blind to what your ideal reader actually desires (Homer, notwithstanding).
So ask good questions, and listen even better to the answers, then ask the answers even more questions and their answers questions and so on until you have ALL the answers – which only gets you so far (see Dick Cheney, preferably when he’s not holding a gun)
So how can you get inside their heads to find out what they want? And do it in a manner that is sensitive to privacy concerns and realistic about the feasibility of miniaturization and inner-cranial-micro-organic-tourism? Try these techniques:
Take a few readers out to lunch and ask them about their poetry needs and challenges. If you find several of them attractive and appealing, invite them all to dinner and try to have an orgy.
Create a survey, and offer a valuable giveaway (see “Sweeten the Deal: Getting High-Fructose Corn Syrupy on Their Asses!” below) in exchange for information that would be helpful in creating your reader-focused poem or in tracking down wanted fugitives from justice (Did you know: “Bounty hunter” is the 2nd most popular profession among poets).
Schedule phone time with some of your readers. Ask them directly how you can help them help you help them by writing and delivering exactly the right poem at the right time both anytime or all the time. If they begin heavy breathing unrelated to asthma, work to angle them into joining the lunch-dinner-orgy group (see above).
Tune in to WKDU-FM or WII-FM-NR-WII-FM?
Do you listen to college radio or marginal, niche music which would not appeal to hardcore viewers of American Idol and be merely incidental to viewers of hardcore pornography? You should. It’s required listening if you are creating poetry, as poetry is the music of the spheres once the spheres have lost their bearings and the last musician has been crushed.
WII-FM-NR-WII-FM, is – of course – What’s In It For Me? No Really, What’s In It For Me?
When you sit down to write a poem, this question should be playing in the background at all times – but playing nicely (i.e. no trading of kicks to the genitals or Russian Roulette). Why? Because your poetry efforts will only be meaningful and memorable if you’ve addressed what benefits your poem provides to readers and then manage to deliver the poem to that address in a discrete, unmarked envelope.
You’d better be able to answer that question, because believe me – your target reader is asking it and sharpening the blade on a Bowie knife and will not be denied your heart, liver, or other internal organs if you fail to deliver the goods!
Sweeten the Deal : Getting High Fructose Corn Syrupy on Their Asses!
An unforgettable poem is namely that – unforgettable. How does a poem become unforgettable? Unforgetablity it is built through repeated exposure. Unforgetablity it is built through repeated exposure. Unforgetablity it is built through repeated exposure. No matter how amazing your poem is, people won’t remember it if they’ve read it or heard it only once. They can’t: they’re processing all the other poems being thrown at them wrapped tightly around baseballs (see last week’s column, “Roger Clemons’ Advice to a Young Poet”).
The way to open a channel of repetitious, continuous communication where you can keep the poem exposure high and the poem hammering at them constantly over time to the point where they can do nothing but repeat your poem in answer to simple questions like “Can I get you coffee, sugar?” or “By any chance, have you traveled to a foreign country recently where canines are routinely consumed?” is to get your readers onto a mailing list.
Email software (i.e. the tiny people who work inside of computers) allows you to capture information (either by force or unconditional surrender), continue to offer exposure to your poem, and build a relationship (consensual and/or sensual) with readers before they get a restraining order.
That sounds great, but there’s one important caveat: no one really wants more email in their inbox or inmail in their e-box or any of it in their botox. In order to rent space in potential customers’ inboxes, you not only need a signed lease, you’ve got to sweeten the deal with a giveaway they won’t be able to resist despite all known negative behavior modification techniques and mother’s constant warnings not to take candy from strangers.
What can you give away?
Try a delicious free pie-filling you drip out every few days by email autoresponder. Set it and forget it: once you’ve created those emails with pie-filling attached in the appropriate container (one that doesn’t get trapped in their spam filter and leak all over the place – yuk!) and set them up in your email software, your work is done.
Offer a special series of collectors plates featuring you holding an American flag, rolls of crepe paper or a buyer’s guide for all-purpose sand. Solve a crossword puzzle, or create a list of poets by their imagined heights your that your target readers will find valuable.
Offer audio or video with valuable poetic information. Give people access to a solution they’re looking for – whether it’s a simple gin and tonic, insulin or an IV-drip with 10 CC’s of Heparin (be sure to let them choose Audrey or Katherine). Demonstrate how you made the solution on video, or describe it with audio accompanied by a hand puppet they can wear and make it recite to them in sync with the audio.
All in Good Time is a Good Time Had by All
The poetry strategy that’s rarely spoken about – and should be used as a last resort if none of the above work – is blackmail or extortion. Shhh. You didn’t read that here.
Remember, these techniques only work when you apply them vigorously in a counter-clockwise, circular rubbing motion.
Continually refine your information about your target reader until it will easily pass through a camel stuck in the eye of a needle.
Listen closely to what readers want out of your poem (and if applicable, out of their group-sex encounters).
Make sure your poem clearly answers the “What’s In It For Me? No Really, What’s In It For Me?” question.
Keep lines of communication constant by inviting readers to join your mailing list, and make joining irresistible to all known means of resistance with an offer they can’t refuse (leave the poem; take the cannoli).
Bland to The Bollingen Prize doesn’t happen overnight, but it can be done, even by you. Especially by you! If not by you, then who? Ted Kooser?
Last night, I started reading Charles Bernstein’s new book “Attack of the Difficult Poems“, which begins with an absolutely hilarious satirical piece on reading “difficult” poetry that uses the tone and phrasing of a self-help column.
This morning (4/20/11) I got an email from one of my favorite sites in my real life as a marketer – Pamela Wilson’s bigbrandsystem.com – containing a really great marketing advice column entitled “From Bland to Brand: 5 Ways to Make Your Business Stand Out in a Crowd.” For some reason I stared replacing the word “business” with “poem” and the piece kind of took off from there.
The original piece is here.
I mean no disrespect to Pamela Wilson in appropriating the piece in this manner and encourage anyone with an interest in Marketing and Design (and the critical interplay and intersection of each) to check out her site (bigbrandsystem.com), sign up for her ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC (and free!) “Design 101″ email course, and benefit from her really great marketing insights.
Posted by Tom Busillo on April 17, 2011
Here we go.
Got your game on?
Got your war on?
Got your hard on?
Wolf Blitzer’s got his war on hard on
It’s unlikely you’ll see it on TV any more
as the producers at CNN have become
quite adept at knowing when to shoot him
from the waist up, but you can see it in his eyes
that mix of bloodlust and embarrassment
that he has pitched a tent in response to
the thrill of reporting on the bombers bombing
the bunkers busting, the jets strafing
the mangled armour smoking.
There are times when they cut back to him
from a report with some very tasty footage –
Tomahawk missiles in all flash and smoke,
tracers captured in that sick night vision green
lighting up like fireworks in reverse,
or the video feed from a laser guided missile –
and you can tell by a very slight, slight, slight something
that you are looking at a man
who has just spontaneously
ejaculated into his suit pants.
Unnamed sources from the Situation Room
are reporting that at first they used to
just keep a change of suit pants
handy on the set and
clean and change him between commercials.
But it was Judy, a production intern from Syracuse University,
who moonlights as a stripper at Atlanta’s Gold Club
and has firsthand experience of the fallout from lap dances,
who first had the idea to simply put a rubber on him
to deal with Wolf’s moments of warrational exuberance,
whip it off and replace it with a new one during commercial breaks.
So far it’s working.
Wolf looks happier.
The producers are happier.
The wardrobe folks are definitely happier.
And the staff from No.1 Cleaners
near the CNN center in Atlanta are definitely the happiest.
And as for Judy,
isn’t it obvious that she has a very bright future
in the cable news industry?
This just in:
Sources from the FoxNews Center in Nutwingville report
they do not have this problem on their sets during war reporting
as the anchors simply give each other handjobs under the
(sort of) news desk.
The above is clearly satire, but IMHO there is something a little weird about Wolf Blitzer when he’s got his war on.
Posted by Tom Busillo on March 25, 2011
There’s a old saw in fantasy circles that goes: you can never win a fantasy league championship at your draft, but you can always lose one there. So I’m a little worried about the upcoming season.
Picking at the #9 spot in a 10-team league is always tough, but things got a little whacky right from the get go.
I made a reach at #9 drafting the NYPD SWAT team in the first round, but I compounded things by following it up on the swing by picking the LAPD SWAT team at #12 – making the classic beginner’s mistake of taking two SWAT teams back-to-back in the first two rounds, which is sexy, but almost forces you to take a homicide division in rounds three and four when all the top-tier homicide divisions are long gone. Case in point – I start the season with Seattle and Minneapolis-St. Paul as my Homicide1 and Homicide2
In round 5, I took the Nassau County Bomb Squad, which I know historically tends to be boom or bust, but I think I got good value – and some potential trade bait – in round 6 with the Dallas Hostage Negotiation & Rescue Team since Bill who had the pick right behind me is from Dallas and a huge homer and kept bitching between swigs of beer for the next two rounds about how I stole his pick. So I think I can do a deal with him at some point, possibly packaging Dallas Hostage Negotiation & Rescue and Minneapolis-St. Paul Homicide for Miami Homicide and a thrown-in Vice Squad or Mounted Patrol.
And speaking of being a homer…yes, I know, you should always be hometown agnostic on draft day, but I when I saw the Philadelphia Highway Patrol hanging there in round 7, well, let’s just say I won’t contest the ticket for going with the homer pick.
More good value with getting the San Francisco Tactical Marine Unit in round 8 (I couldn’t believe they sailed under the radar and dropped that far), but another possible reach going with my #1 pre-draft super-sleeper pick of Oklahoma City Narcotics Enforcement in round 9.
The next few rounds were pretty much by the book – Detroit Vice in round 10, CSI Honolulu in round 11, and the Phoenix Graffiti Supression Team in round 12,
Sure. I know I should have waited until rounds 15 or 16 to pick a K9 Unit because they’re so unpredictable and you always end up picking a dog and just dropping them 3 weeks into season to pick up a better K9 unit on waivers anyway, but I had good luck with the St. Petersburg K9 unit last year, so in my draft, yes, it was me – I was the dope who started the early run on K9 units.
I finished things up with Milwaukee Internal Affairs, Houston Mounted Patrol and Fresno Animal Control in rounds 14-16.
So how’d I do?
Posted by Tom Busillo on September 7, 2010