All posts in category absurdist advice columns

ASK I: “My cigar should dress my friends?”

Q: I’m a mind and I follow trends in black. My cigar should dress my friends?

A: Treasure your cigar!

The personal can be temporary (as yours).

Widen your circle so you’ll keep stretching.

List the changes in technology most adapted to a groom.

Comfort berets and then crisp a coat perfectly.

If you relax, keep in mind the seat.

How about walking shoes to sneakers?

Distinguish the best shape you can.

Smile those missing back molars.

Play English.

Profess a boyfriend.

Penelope Cruz is on-screen sweat, pants and a slim black raincoat worth studying.

Have a back bulge, switch a card!

blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri”, by Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 5/1/13.

in situ, below…

blackout advice columns

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by Tom Busillo on April 30, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in absurdist advice columns, erasure poetry, Free verse, Poetry
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Posted by Tom Busillo on April 30, 2013

http://monsterbegood.com/2013/04/30/ask-i-my-cigar-should-dress-my-friends/

ASK I – “How can I make the most?”

Q: I have one decent room that I keep packed full and a line I don’t want. I am thinking about converting the line into space. How can I make the most?

A: Consider the figure space (like California).

Close a can. Make every nook the ceiling.

Don’t audition in a special closet.

Plan to lose many pairs of shoes.

Allow your robe to expand over the years.

Check velvet-lined jewelry.

Be see-through.

Don’t stash a chest of drawers inside a hog.

Space in a smaller space can sometimes stack.

Draw 18 three-act ideas.

Make the most of ice (like New York).

Coif you organ.

Fit together so you’ll be able to be a gap you need to fill.

Hop more.

Turn your room into a long shelf.

Hang over print secured with string.

Tie a tail.

Steam can add character to your surroundings.

Hold a rare ear, use the lamp as a board!

blackout composition; source: “Ask Teri,” Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 3/14/13.

in situ, below…

blackout advice column

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by Tom Busillo on April 12, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in absurdist advice columns, erasure poetry, Poetry
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Posted by Tom Busillo on April 12, 2013

http://monsterbegood.com/2013/04/12/ask-i-how-can-i-make-the-most/

Ask I: “How do you clean these things?”

Q: At a party last night I had many people waxed. They have a leathery look and are really very unique looking. My problem is: How do you clean these things?

A: More interesting new today’s make super-shiny, leathery distress.

Wax all the reason to ruin.

Wax everyday (which means too often).

Brace yourself for results that might vary according to a finish.

Your safest route is to follow photos of before and after – at least, if you have some.

Depart.

Store defective merchandise in the customer.

Phone or help steer the right people.

Hang on to a premium fuse.

Dry by freezing for a few days inside a zip-lock bag.

Spot a note that suggests a machine for a coated cannon.

A detail made polyester last.

Before washing your wax, turn inside out.

Water the gentle, deter the line!

blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri”, by Teri Again, The Wall Street Journal, 3/27/13.

in situ, below…

blackout advice column

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by Tom Busillo on March 28, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in absurdist advice columns, erasure poetry, Poetry
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Posted by Tom Busillo on March 28, 2013

http://monsterbegood.com/2013/03/28/ask-i-how-do-you-clean-these-things/

Ask I: “I Must Have Surgery?”

Q: I socialize with ants and dress sexy. I must have surgery?

A: I can relate to three hours of walking a block to make sense.

Inch sure-footed without looking down.

Adjust your pitch the way the angle will determine where a platform can tip.

With strategic comfort, provide a plain watch for skinny toes.

Don’t forget walking slightly larger in a little room.

Expand a few hours of standing up and down.

While you walk, look for foam balls creating a burning sensation.

Your podiatrist may consider feet fleshy.

Get fit by padding.

Be an experiment.

Wear the house, carpeting for an hour!

blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri”, Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 3/7/13.

in situ, below:

blackout

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by Tom Busillo on March 7, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in absurdist advice columns, erasure poetry, Free verse, Poetry
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Posted by Tom Busillo on March 7, 2013

http://monsterbegood.com/2013/03/07/ask-ii-must-have-surgery/

Ask I: “I want to start to have ideas?”

Q: I wed where the brides really love. I want to start to have ideas?

A: Can an attractive accent make eyes look much wider and more expressive – much better than a false eye that you carefully remove at the end of the day?

Apply to school!

Compliment your eyes to help you get the hang of handling them.

Drugs are fine (you’ll need magnifying adhesive).

Make clean hands and everything your hands touch should be clean.

Ideally, your eyes shouldn’t shout at you.

Don’t go overboard by a thick liquid.

Remove the eye in malls that specialize in eye glue – the natural ones.

Take up to an hour to stay until you own a shed.

Many doctors frown on.

The varied hygiene of the opera, the risk of falling into corn!

blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri”, by Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 2/13/13.

in situ below:

blackout advice column

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by Tom Busillo on February 10, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in absurdist advice columns, erasure poetry, Poetry
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Posted by Tom Busillo on February 10, 2013

http://monsterbegood.com/2013/02/10/ask-i-i-want-to-start-to-have-ideas/

Ask I: Fit to Tin

Question: I dent my family. I would like a desk?

Answer: If you’re someone at the moment too “set aside” for a number, stretch a can.

First of all, close your building, the grocery store and the shopping mall. Take the elevator, the halls and stairs if there’s time. If you have a large file, take your floor.

If you have the pace, run.

Sit during lulls.

A hand is a simple muscle.

An elastic band is another.

While sitting at your desk, don’t forget your neck, shoulders, back, chest, wrists, abdominal muscles, buttocks, thighs and calves. They help you.

Break your computer every 30 minutes. Watch for blood.

Blackout composition, source: “Fitting Exercise into Daily Routine”, Mitchell “Dr. H” Hecht, The Philadelphia Inquirer, 1/7/13.

In situ, below…

blackout advice column

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by Tom Busillo on January 4, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in absurdist advice columns, erasure advice columns, erasure poetry, Poetry
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Posted by Tom Busillo on January 4, 2013

http://monsterbegood.com/2013/01/04/ask-i-fit-to-tin/

Ask I: “I Want Something Like a Fall That Feels New”

Q: I want something like a fall that feels new and works for many situations.

A: Look for a prominent fire.

Versatile variations satisfy everybody.

Start tearing magazines online.

Enlist.

A silhouette instantly upgrades your trusty black and will also work with skinny black.

Provide ample camouflage.

Splurge on a black lamb, an accent that sets off a plea, or a pencil.

Promise you’ll be pleased with “pleather” perforations.

Hop if you love oral.

Pump velveteen, replace the usual ark!

blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri,” Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 8/30/12.

in situ below

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by Tom Busillo on August 30, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in absurdist advice columns, Poetry
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Posted by Tom Busillo on August 30, 2012

http://monsterbegood.com/2012/08/30/ask-i-i-want-something-like-a-fall-that-feels-new/

Ask I: “I am in tank and have been heated”

Q: I am in tank and have been heated. A girl that I am dating and some of my coworkers are interested.

A: The great tank continues.

Here’s the rule on tanks.

You can rock a tank if you’re in decent shape.

Guys who are scrawny can get in a tank, while athletic guys will put biceps and abs in your tank.

After the sun goes down, lay over your tank. Roll a bit. That’s chic.

Look for middle-aged guys or a modest border.

Flabby or with slumping posture? No tank for you!

Men who build with hairy chests, shoulders or armpits wax first.

But why push a tank at all?

Your alternative?

Tuck in cotton, bone Roger Federer!

blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri”, Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 8/16/12.

in situ below…

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by Tom Busillo on August 17, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in absurdist advice columns, Poetry
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Posted by Tom Busillo on August 17, 2012

http://monsterbegood.com/2012/08/17/ask-i-i-am-in-tank-and-have-been-heated/

ASK I: “I Really Don’t Like Being a Hand?”

Q: Every hand I pick up seems to have some little metal plate attached to the same thing. I really don’t like being a hand?

A: The “it” hand – fueled by the double 0s – ushered in a new era of hand. Before long, $50 turned every hand into “Thing.”

Go become a powerful exercise that eliminates marks that are illegal to copy.

Consume sure tastes.

Put faith in a trendy friend.

Instantly recognize good.

I tolerate sneakers because we have no choice.

I am a stellar hand. I carry an anonymous bag.

I’m intrepid at every everywhere – from A to Z to B as well as W.

My hand from the store has a hand for functionality.

So go return a ship both ways.

Stop fixating on a zero.

Count a hand with a hand.

Clutch unusual materials from the 1960s and 1970s that are glorious.

Go devoid of metal, be a player!

blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri”, Teri Again, The Wall Street Journal, 8/8/12.

in situ below…

ASK I: "I Really Don't Like Being a Hand"

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by Tom Busillo on August 8, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in absurdist advice columns, Poetry
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Posted by Tom Busillo on August 8, 2012

http://monsterbegood.com/2012/08/08/ask-i-i-dont-like-being-a-hand/

ASK I: “Someone Has ‘Cankles’?”

Q: Someone has “cankles”?

A: You have cankles.

Your ankles are your calves all the time.

Don’t draw a trumpet.

Graze.

Instead of a sheath, build boots.

Stretch a shaft.

Don’t wear your lower legs and feet unadorned.

Always optically taper a needle.

If you legs are flesh, wear your bare legs.

Don’t fret when it is time to stand.

Sure, your legs are not straight.

Turn slightly with a hand on your back leg.

Stand with your toes separated, look slimmer!

blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri”, Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 7/26/12.

in situ below…

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by Tom Busillo on July 24, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in absurdist advice columns, Poetry
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Posted by Tom Busillo on July 24, 2012

http://monsterbegood.com/2012/07/24/ask-i-someone-has-cankles/

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