Husband and Wife Over a Kitchen Table in Nebraska (from the “Bizarro Ted Kooser” Series)

Choosing the bills
to pay this month,
seated side-by-side
at their small, wooden
kitchen table, covered
with a thin blue tablecloth
that barely hides the grooves
from years of use,
the two of them,
Mother and Father,
alone, after the children have
been rented out
for the evening.

“We’re poor, Mother,” he says.
“We’re poor.”

She puts both her hands
on the cheeks of his whiskered face
and turns him to face her.
She looks lovingly into his one good eye,
momentarily, then gets that familiar look,
that cold, steely glint in her eyes
when a hard truth needs to be told.
“We need more inventory, Father.”

And somewhere in the next county
there is the thunderous backfire of a car
or an old dog being shot, so thankful,
that he doesn’t even whimper.

Our Boy Has Grown

When he was four, the family dog,
a border collie named “Rounder”
still towered over him. Once he started
school, for what seemed like ages,
he was the smallest boy in the class
by nearly a full head. Then two. Then three.
Half the girls in his class were taller than
him all through elementary. You remember
having to prop him up at the kitchen table,
putting him on the pillows that Aunt Sadie
had given you that one Christmas, his legs
forever hanging down. You look at him now
in the backyard and he’s wider in the shoulders
and all around. “I made him some oatmeal.
In the blue one,” says his mother. When
his mother’s not looking, you add a few
bags of sugar to it and stir them in, one
five-pound bag after the other. He never
outgrew his fondness for sugar. You backup the
pickup to where he’s laying in the yard.
You poke your head out of the side of the cab
and give a yell. “Feedin’ Time, Son!”
He digs in, greedily shoveling the oatmeal
into his mouth with a shovel. You beam
with pride. Maybe in the big city, things
are different, but out here on the great,
plains of Nebraska, there’s really nothing
that makes a father’s heart swell with pride
more than watching his grown son eat
seventy-five pounds of oatmeal out of the
back of a pickup. It is these little moments
that make life as a parent so very wonderful.
When he has finished, he emits several grunts
you translate as “That was good. Thanks for
adding the sugar,” drops the shovel, rolls
over and goes to sleep. By the barn, as you are
hosing the remnants of the oatmeal out of
the truck’s bed, you wonder if you could buy
a used cement mixer, whether that would
make things easier. And like all fathers who
have unmarried sons of a certain age, in this
case, a certain age being the specific age of 35,
you say yet another prayer to the Lord above
that sooner, rather than later, he’ll finally
find for himself a good and strong
woman to take care of him.

Un-Abandoned Farmhouse

The chipped wood and architectural design says it’s an old wooden farmhouse. The eight empty boxes of Captain Crunch in the kitchen garbage say whoever lives here likes Captain Crunch. They do not say whoever lives here does not like Frosted Flakes and are correct not to say this, as when you open the worn cupboard door you find eight boxes of Frosted Flakes that say unmistakably whoever lives here does in fact like Frosted Flakes in addition to Captain Crunch. The rickety stairs say “creak” “creak” “creak” as you walk up to the second floor. The eight tiny beds say small children approximately the size of Gary Coleman in his prime sleep here together in this small room. The lack of adult-size beds in any of the other rooms upstairs say that the parents probably sleep on the sofa or could possibly be vampires who sleep in a coffin or crypt in the basement. You’ll have to wait for what the sofa and basement have to say about this. The sound of the door opening and voices downstairs say the residents have come home. The tiny dwarves in the kitchen say, “Who left the cupboard door open?” and then say, “Who the fuck are you?” when they see you. The racing thoughts in your head say, “Shit. Let’s get out of here!” and the quick movements of your legs and feet through the living room say, “We agree wholeheartedly.” The bullets shattering the windshield of your electric blue Dodge Neon say that the dwarves are armed and believe in using lethal force to keep unwanted intruders out of their farmhouse. Two miles up the road, your speedometer says your have driven two miles. Looking to your left, the chipped wood and architectural design says it’s an old wooden farmhouse. The voice from the back seat says, “Now see if it’s in there.”


after Ted Kooser’s “Abandoned Farmhouse”

That Summer, at a Pond in Nebraska

She sat on the dock with a fishing pole
in her hands, her bare feet dangling down
to the water, but not quite reaching,
dressed in cutoff shorts and a red tank top
that set off the pale white of her skinny arms
and shoulders, her head topped off with
a yellow hat, almost like the kind you’d see
on old paintings of fisherman from Nantucket,
and at her side a blue tackle box and a coffee can
for worms. He passed her twice a day – morning,
walking to the camp just over a mile from his
Great-Uncle’s house, and heading back to
his temporary summer home after a day
of things too boring to even mention – and
each time she’d be there, still and focused
on her fishing, barely moving a muscle.
He guessed her age to be close to his ten
though he’d never seen her face full on –
just in distant angles. One day after being
let out early, as he came upon her at the bend
in the road, he decided that would be the day
he’d finally see what she looked like. So he
left the road and started walking on the short
dirt trail leading to the planks of the docks,
calling out to her, “Hey! Hey, you there!”
But she did not respond. He repeated himelf
louder and louder, until he got the notion from
somewhere that she might be deaf. He decided
he’d just gently tap her on the shoulder when he
was close enough. Yet as he approached her,
he saw that her arms seemingly pale from a distance,
were up close preternaturally white after all those days
in the sun, almost alabaster, and then noticed
over her shoulder that her fishing rod had
no string on it, no line running from its tip
into the water. He knew he should turn back,
but now he had to touch her just to make sure
she were real. With a slight tremble is his hand
He gave the gentlest of touches to her right shoulder,
barely a touch at all, more a tap, but for that
quarter-second and he’d never forget that feeling
of the coldest stone, a freezing piece of porcelain
almost burning, then watching as the cracks appeared,
migrating from her shoulder out across her entire being
with a crackling sound and then the cracked surface
dissolving into tremors that soon turned to the beating
wings of a swarm of hundreds and hundreds of
black and red butterflies that for several horrifying
seconds hung in the air, beating and keeping her shape,
but then as if acting from a single mind, turning on him
as one, stuffing his mouth, now opened into a scream,
attacking the openings of his nose and ears, flying up
through the bottom of his shorts, all as if trying to
invade him. And all he could do at that point was collapse.

So when that busy-body Mary Prickett rhetorically asked
the question “Now, who don’t like butterflies?” when
suggesting that the repainting of the walls of the Main Lounge
of the Smittyville Retirement Community should – no,
MUST – also include a butterfly motif, perhaps that is
what caused the out-of-character tone of menace to
Hank Sanders’ very forceful “I don’t like butterflies!”
before using his prerogative as President of the
Residents’ Association to quickly slam down
the gavel and curtly declare, “Meeting adjourned.”

Each Autumn in Nebraska

Always the Sunday morning before Halloween,
when the leaves left on the trees are still the Fall rainbow
of reds, oranges, and yellows, I get the supplies ready
in the back of our powder-blue Ford pickup as
you make our lunch in our small kitchen, and,
after we put on our matching blue windbreakers,
we head to the park.

And each autumn in Nebraska, in a field near a line of trees,
feeling a crisp briskness in the air telling us winter will be here soon,
I fill your mouth with fallen leaves and you lovingly
chew them into mouthfuls of mulch that you
spit into the bag containing other mouthfuls,
you occasionally taking a sip of lemonade
poured from a pitcher my mother gave us
on our 10th wedding anniversary
to keep your mouth moist.

We do this all morning, and then we break for lunch.
I unwrap from tinfoil the simple cheese sandwiches
you’ve made, and smile seeing that you’ve cut off all the crusts
just the way I like them then reach into the lunch bag
and pull out your lunch – the sandwich crusts in a clear baggie,
which you devour after gargling with lemonade.

The afternoon moves on uneventfully.

As the sun begins to set, we gather our things and
slowly head back to our powder-blue Ford each dragging
two bags of mulch behind us that in our weariness
that comes from a full days work out here on the Great Plains
feel like bags of heavy armor if armor could rustle.
I jump into the bed and you hand me a bag and I
dump it all out in the bed and do the same with
the next three bags then spread it evenly across the bed.

We get into the cab, pause, and look at each other
and kiss the way decent god-fearing, Christian folks who’ve
been raised in the lost rural hamlets of Nebraska kiss -
lip-to-lip, mouths closed, definitely no tongue.
I start the truck and you turn around to look
through the window of the cab. I drive very slowly
until the hit the main highway then stop the truck
and ask you “Ready?”

You nod and I floor the gas pedal and
you watch the mulch fly up and out of the bed
all the while screaming with joy, “Brown smoke!
Brown smoke! Brown smoke go all over!…”
and the like until the bed is empty and
you turn around in the cab and begin to cry
and don’t stop until we’re back at our homestead.

We have a simple supper of leftover meatloaf,
mashed potatoes and peas, before you turn in
early for bed bringing a stack of magazines.

I shut all the lights and sit down in the living room
in my recliner sipping whiskey until I open my eyes
and the sound of the birds tells me it’s another day.

The Trip to the Tree at Christmas

You set out with him in a blizzard,
you in your Mighty Mac, him in his parka,
workboots, wool hat, and holding in the firm
grip of his thick black gloves an axe.

Though only ten minutes have passed
since you left the house, it seems like
hours the wind’s been driving the snow
into your face like so many tiny needles.

You can’t see a thing other than
a veil of white and the stinging flakes
and his bulky shape up ahead as
your father yells, “Keep up, boy”.

And you keep up because this is how
a man becomes a man in Nebraska –
dutifully following his father through
a white-out with both of you on a mission.

And you stumble and you try to
do your best to keep up, because
out here on the Great Plains,
good boys don’t disappoint their fathers.

At last you can see the tree ahead,
the one where you are headed,
the one you talked about before
you left the farmhouse.

You get there and your father pauses
only for a second as he assesses
the situation, forms a strategy
where the blow of the axe will fall.

He swings the axe down hard
into the tree – a powerful but precise
blow that cuts through the thick rope
that has held your brother there overnight.

His body slumps to the ground and you worry that
your father was wrong – that he might be dead.
You see that his lips are not blue, but are
still the bright cherry red of the lipstick.

After failing to rouse him awake and
making sure he’s still breathing,
your father says to you, “Looks like we’ll
have to drag him back to the house.”

He flips your brother on his back,
gathers the rope from around the tree
then loops it under each arm of your brother
“Pull hard and keep up,” he says, handing you one end of rope.

And you pull hard and you try to
do your best to keep up, because
out here on the Great Plains,
good boys don’t disappoint their fathers.


Another piece from the genre I’m calling “Bizarro Ted Kooser”

Each Nebraska Winter

A good mother sews
mittens on her children’s
faces, not out of madness,
but mostly love mixed
with a small degree of
guilt, for she has birthed
six children all missing their
tongues, instead having two
tiny hands at the end of tiny
arms jutting out of their
perpetually opened mouths.

And each Nebraska winter,
Jimmy, the oldest, says to
his mother in their special
language of hand claps and
clicks,”Mom, what if this
year you just used some
Velcro? They sell these
Velcro strips now, and it
would probably be easier
for everyone if – “

And each Nebraska winter,
she pauses her needlework,
stares at him with her steel
gray eyes, and then gives him
a stiff dose of the plain-spoken
logic possessed by all women
raised their entire lives on the
Great Plains, “You’ve never
lost your mittens yet, have you?”
she asks as she dabs a bloody
dishrag to his bloody face.

“No, I didn’t think so.”


The above poem belongs to a subgenre of Bizarro I’m trying to pioneer called “Bizarro Ted Kooser”

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