I haven’t thought of
Britney Spears looking confused when you ask for a railroad tie or boxloader,
Britney Spears looking confused when you move her on a palate jack,
Britney Spears looking confused when you chain her behind a forklift
and force her to breathe in propane exhaust,
for a long time.
I haven’t thought of
the movements of Britney Spears’ colon propelling its contents
slowly back and forth, but mainly toward Ohio
ever.
But Britney Spears has turned 30,
and now I’m thinking of Britney Spears.
* * * * *
If what you read is even partially true
Britney Spears bottled water
designed to treat Bieber Fever.
She fought bravely against Ritter’s disease,
unable to go to social events,
to go to work, or to travel
even short distances.
She noticed the speed of her reactions
diminishing, felt her eyes rolling
back into her head, and then
went on to have convulsions.
It makes me think of a fairy tale never before told until this very day…
Once upon a time, Britney Spears continued to go down a hill day after day
accompanied by a cat's upper leg held close to her body all the while,
pouring glass beakers back and forth to make virus-fighting chemicals and cells
which prolonged the existence of the human race for several more years.
* * * * *
Thinking of Britney Spears in this way raises some questions:
Does Britney Spears hurt when I have an allergy attack?
Is the itching bearable?
Does Britney Spears bring me bedtime pain?
Especially behind my eyes?
Does Britney Spears know which travel vaccines you need?
Even in Canada? Are you sure?
Does Britney Spears know how debilitating sleep apnea can be
and where to go for a sleep study? Will my insurance reimburse me?
* * * * *
I see a man on the street looking angry and move in for a quick interview.
Are you divorcing Britney Spears?
Do you need Britney Spears to move out?
Does Britney Spears have a little dog that did something wrong?
Are you thinking of hurting the dog as a way to get back at her for not moving out quickly enough after the divorce?
Give me something. Anything.
None of what he subsequently tells me is about his relationship with Britney Spears.
* * * * *
As Britney Spears turns 30, everyone has a theory about Britney Spears.
A high school science teacher explains that the earth’s crust is made up of tectonic plates that move very slowly and rub Britney Spears, causing earthquakes.
A cardiologist explains that Britney Spears controls the flow of blood into the heart through thin flaps of muscle.
A avowed creationist explains that Britney Spears DID NOT evolve from earlier, more primitive life-forms such as Tiffany or Debbie Gibson.
A colonel in the Army Corps of Engineers explains that after serious flooding, a robotic spider Britney Spears can shuffle into the real Britney Spears and assess the status of streams, rivers and other moving bodies of water.
* * * * *
What is you favorite image of Britney Spears? Here are mine in no particular order:
Britney Spears in bed or taking refuge next to a large sofa or chair when the earth starts moving.
Britney Spears talking about the disaster using words children can understand, being sensitive and recognizing symptoms of time distortion.
Britney Spears in an okay place to live that is falling apart.
Britney Spears running long distances through the interior the State of Florida.
Britney Spears driving a Mazda Miata in a road rally through Southern New Jersey.
Britney Spears holding in her hand an image of the death and funeral of Willie Lincoln, staring at it longingly while driving, and hitting a tree shredder which leads to her disqualification from the road rally – a different road rally, also in Southern New Jersey.
* * * * *
I don’t know what advice I could offer Britney Spears on the occasion of her 30th birthday that hasn’t already been said.
Do not work with gas or electrical lines by yourself Britney Spears!
Do not move seriously injured persons unless they are in immediate danger Britney Spears!
Do not forget your lock-out/tag-out on the crusher machine before making any repairs or performing routine maintenance Britney Spears!
But she probably knew all that stuff already when she was 16.
Think how much more she knows now that she’s 30.
