I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe a private commercial enterprise
whose operation has already resulted in the tragic deaths of two individuals
deserves the opportunity to add to that number.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I’m confident that tourism in the city of Philadelphia would drop
from several million visitors a year to roughly 30-50 visitors
without the operation of amphibious vehicle tours using the Schuylkill River.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I like mayor whose premature public pronouncements suggest a woeful
ignorance of state law regarding granting of concessions of public lands.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I like mayor who talks reform, but when the bell rings
can do a shady backroom deal with the best of them.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe that preferential treatment of hand-picked vendors
ahead of an open bidding process is always good public policy as
this makes competing vendors incredibly eager to sink time and financial resources
into offering alternates proposals when they can plainly see the fix is already in.

* * * * *

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because sometimes it gets very lonely running on the trail.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because sometimes it gets very quiet running on the trail.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because sometimes it gets very peaceful and almost perfect running on the trail.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because when I’m running on the trail and it’s so peaceful and almost perfect
I forget all my problems, and I’m told it’s bad to run away from your problems,
so I welcome having my reverie broken by the crassness of the world.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because after waiting a half hour for a Conrail train
to stop blocking entrances to the trail, I am often disappointed
that there are no further impediments along the way.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe that dodging amphibious tourist vehicles
will increase situational awareness skills and cardiovascular fitness.

* * * * *

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe that it is an antiquated notion that
the primary use of public space should be
the public good and enjoyment of the citizenry.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe that the almighty dollar should always drive public policy.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I cringe at the fact that there are still uncut trees in our national forests
and believe that the true purpose of public spaces should be
maximum extraction of revenue at all costs.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe that a city’s public spaces do not belong to the people –
they merely exist for the politicians to give away.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe asking a private commercial enterprise to spend its own money
to make existing operations safer in order to continue to operate would cut into its profits
and set a dangerous precedent of actually reinforcing free market principles.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I have complete and utter confidence that
the company responsible for Dollywood understands good taste.

* * * * *

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I like noise.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because the city isn’t noisy enough.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I like a good nuisance.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because nothing is sacred.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because when I look up into the heavens at night and see the stars in the sky
and contemplate what the music of the spheres would actually sound like,
it sounds like kazoos to me.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I love the noise of a loud kazoo orchestra.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I love being shouted at by gangs of out-of-state strangers.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I love being made to feel like a zoo animal.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because as a citizen of Philadelphia I exist solely to be
nothing more than a prop in a tourist’s memory reel.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because in the words of Johnny Rotten, “tourists are money,”
and I enjoy quoting Sex Pistols lyrics whenever the chance presents itself.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because our figurehead is not what he seems.

* * * * *

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe the majesty of a grand avenue with three world-class museums
needs to be sullied and destroyed.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe The Thinker is running out of things to think about
and needs the exhaust of Duck Boats to contemplate.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe that the Parkway and Eakins Oval
don’t have enough traffic and are far too easy to navigate,
especially for cyclists and pedestrians.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe that noisy kazoos and shouting will be helpful
in distracting MLK and Parkway drivers and lead to accidents
that may fulfill some people’s secret desire to see a headless body.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe that the practice of shutting down MLK drive on the weekends
for cyclists should be ended to give a private for-profit enterprise access to public land.

* * * * *

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I think Ben Franklin would want them there.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I think William Penn would want them there.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I think Rachel Carson would want them there.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I think the guys from ABSCAM would want them there.

* * * * *

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I know it’s a lost cause.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I know it’s a done deal.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I you can’t fight City Hall.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because my voice is cracked and feeble.

And I’m in favor of putting Duck Boats on the Schuylkill River Trail
because I believe in letting evil being spawned and spawning other evils.